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The Great Kinetic Wizard

MEYou’re looking at one of the few pictures that has ever been taken of The Great Kinetic Wizard. Normally he lives in Colorado, Boulder to be exact about it, but for this picture he traveled, as Wizards do, without benefit of the conventional means which mortals use, to Ventura, California to assist in the Inauguration of a brand new Kinetics, where this rare photo was taken. Since that appearance, there has been quite a stir of interest about him amongst the surviving Kineticists, and he trusts this web page will help to clarify some of the multitudinous questions which have arisen (like, who is this guy, anyway???). {Editor's Note: The following text was written by The Great Kinetic Wizard himself!}

My Name is Austed, the Great Wizard. Oh no, no, that’s not right. That’s my old name; now I am ex-Austed. My current name is Artus Amak and I have dwelt amongst ye mortals for the mere blink of an eye, in Wizard terms. Remembering that we Wizards live backwards in time, then it should come as no surprise to you that I have served as Great Wizard in the Boulder Kinetics from 1998 to 1984, as you reckon time. I began by recognizing the appalling lack of proper score-keeping methods in 1983, when my very own team, The Spirit Of Coot Lake, finished a mere seventh overall . So I generously leant my scoring techniques to the fine (but here un-named) Sponsors of this madcap Event, until such time (if ever) that I deemed my services were no longer required. At this point I am wildly hailed (or do I mean widely?) as the Chief Minister of Scoring for the Boulder Kinetics, and in my proper due I receive many fine Bribes and much Adulation from Kineticists and spectators alike. In point of fact, the Kinetics would not be the same without me. It is my responsibility to Recieve Bribes, Adjudicate any and all Disputes, Determine the effect of Bribes, collate the Critics Scoresheets, prepare the slate of Discretionary Awards, Personally Present the Awards, Bumble Around and cause Trouble, Appear in as many Newspapers as Possible, March in ye Parade, cast Blessings good and evil upon yon Sculptures, Give Survival Hints, to Eat Hearty, never spend a Dime, dance with the Kinetic Babes, Sluts and Bimbos, toss Candy to deserving Children, advise the Critics and Judges as to the proper Scoring Techniques and Determination of the relative goodness of their Bribes, and other such folderol as comes to mind, often at the spur of the moment and unrehearsed.

Of course I could not take such a massive and weighty assignment without significant help from my Entourage. The ‘weighty’ part refers to the enormous amount of Bribes I receive each season, which requires me to have in the Entourage numerous (well, 2) Bribe Carriers Extraordinairre. To that end, and because an old Wizard’s memory sometimes plays tricks on him, I have also required the services of a Bribe Recorder, a fine woman drawn from the Scribes Guild. To assist me in having proper photographic records made, I have employed two photographers (one Video, one 35 mm whatever that means, you humans use such arcane terms for the simplest things). Yet they are not allowed to take any pictures, nor are any members of the crowd, until Maid Marion, my fine Makeup Madam, has properly adjusted my appearance, and until the Crowd-Stoppers (from the Entourage) have cleared the way between me and the adoring Lens. My faithful pet Dragon Gort and his Trainer and Handler (oddly, whose name I have never learned…sigh) accompany me on most Kinetic Appearances; sad they were unable to follow me to Ventura. Gort is trained to breathe mighty Fyre upon those who disrespect the Wizard in even the tiniest of ways. Of Supreme Importance is my Handler Sandy, whose chief job is to organize, coordinate, and arrange the Entourage. She also gives me a cookie from now and then. I could not appear without Sandy by my side. Some of you may have noticed that from time to time I have made use of my Assistant, the Wizard-In-Training, or WIT. Unfortunately, he is only half-trained, so he’s a………… you figure it out. He also has an Assistant, who he terms the Wizette, and I have no idea what she is up to much of the time. Kinetics is so confusing! Recently there has been a new member of the Entourage, the Bright Blessings Holder, who has, sewn into the lining of her Garment, a fine selection of Items from which the Kineticists are permitted to choose. These Items are imbued with Sorcery and only by the proper selection and application by the Kineticists is this Magick unleashed. Then there are the assorted Wizard Groupies who come and go from year to year, sometimes with their own mini-Entourages.

Kinetics has long been for me an occasion to have a simply marvelous time! It’s like Halloween in May (that’s when the Boulder Kinetics happens). If people had any idea what they could get away with once in a costume, they would wear costumes every day of the week! What a crazy world that would be. I have been to every single Boulder Kinetics; next year, 1999, will be the 20th Kinetics. The first few years, I was a spectator, then I became a competitor and earned my very own Kineticist T-shirt (and very little else). After that, I became infused with the presence of the mighty Wizard which overtakes me every May for a week or so. Following each Kinetics, I am afflicted with PKSD (That’s Post-Kinetic Stress Disorder) which takes a few weeks of recovery. Perhaps I never completely recover, now that I think about it.

So that’s more about The Great Kinetic Wizard than you ever wanted to know. Those of you who would like to know yet even MORE can find the July 1996 issue of Life Magazine which contains a massive 2-page tell-all story about me. If you are ever at the Boulder Kinetics, I’m sure you’ll see me so don’t hesitate to come over and say Hi; I promise not to vaporize you or turn you into a Gollum. Happy Kineticing to you all!

April Twenty Ninth Two Thousand

The World Wide Wizard…..