The Great Kinetic Wizard
You’re looking at one of the few
pictures that has ever been taken of The Great Kinetic Wizard. Normally he
lives in Colorado, Boulder to be exact about it, but for this picture he
traveled, as Wizards do, without benefit of the conventional means which
mortals use, to Ventura, California to assist in the Inauguration of a brand
new Kinetics, where this rare photo was taken. Since that appearance, there has
been quite a stir of interest about him amongst the surviving Kineticists, and
he trusts this web page will help to clarify some of the multitudinous
questions which have arisen (like, who is this guy, anyway???). {Editor's Note:
The following text was written by The Great Kinetic Wizard himself!}
My Name is Austed, the Great Wizard.
Oh no, no, that’s not right. That’s my old name; now I am ex-Austed. My current
name is Artus Amak and I have dwelt amongst ye mortals for the mere blink of an
eye, in Wizard terms. Remembering that we Wizards live backwards in time, then
it should come as no surprise to you that I have served as Great Wizard in the
Boulder Kinetics from 1998 to 1984, as you reckon time. I began by recognizing
the appalling lack of proper score-keeping methods in 1983, when my very own
team, The Spirit Of Coot Lake, finished a mere seventh overall . So I
generously leant my scoring techniques to the fine (but here un-named) Sponsors
of this madcap Event, until such time (if ever) that I deemed my services were
no longer required. At this point I am wildly hailed (or do I mean widely?) as
the Chief Minister of Scoring for the Boulder Kinetics, and in my proper due I
receive many fine Bribes and much Adulation
from Kineticists and spectators alike. In point of fact, the Kinetics would not
be the same without me. It is my responsibility to Recieve Bribes,
Adjudicate any and all Disputes, Determine the effect of Bribes, collate the Critics
Scoresheets, prepare the slate of Discretionary Awards, Personally Present the
Awards, Bumble Around and cause Trouble,
Appear in as many Newspapers as Possible, March in ye Parade, cast Blessings
good and evil upon yon Sculptures, Give Survival Hints, to Eat Hearty, never
spend a Dime, dance with the Kinetic Babes,
Sluts and Bimbos, toss Candy to deserving Children, advise the Critics and
Judges as to the proper Scoring Techniques and Determination of the relative
goodness of their Bribes, and other such folderol as comes to mind, often at
the spur of the moment and unrehearsed.
Of course I could not take such
a massive and weighty assignment without significant help from my Entourage.
The ‘weighty’ part refers to the enormous amount of Bribes I receive each
season, which requires me to have in the Entourage numerous (well, 2) Bribe Carriers
Extraordinairre. To that end, and because an old Wizard’s memory sometimes
plays tricks on him, I have also required the services of a Bribe Recorder,
a fine woman drawn from the Scribes Guild. To assist me in having proper
photographic records made, I have employed two photographers (one Video, one 35
mm whatever that means, you humans use such arcane terms for the simplest
things). Yet they are not allowed to take any pictures, nor are any members of
the crowd, until Maid Marion, my fine Makeup Madam, has properly adjusted my
appearance, and until the Crowd-Stoppers (from the Entourage) have cleared the
way between me and the adoring Lens. My faithful pet Dragon Gort
and his Trainer and Handler (oddly, whose name I have never learned…sigh)
accompany me on most Kinetic Appearances; sad they were unable to follow me to
Ventura. Gort is trained to breathe mighty Fyre upon those who disrespect the
Wizard in even the tiniest of ways. Of Supreme Importance is my Handler Sandy,
whose chief job is to organize, coordinate, and arrange the Entourage. She also
gives me a cookie from now and then. I could not appear without Sandy by my
side. Some of you may have noticed that from time to time I have made use of my
Assistant, the Wizard-In-Training, or WIT. Unfortunately, he is only
half-trained, so he’s a………… you figure it out. He also has an Assistant, who he
terms the Wizette, and I have no idea what she is up to much of the time.
Kinetics is so confusing! Recently there has been a new member of the
Entourage, the Bright Blessings Holder, who has, sewn into the lining of her
Garment, a fine selection of Items from which the Kineticists are permitted to
choose. These Items are imbued with Sorcery and only by the proper selection
and application by the Kineticists is this Magick unleashed. Then there are the
assorted Wizard
Groupies who come and go from year to year, sometimes with their own
mini-Entourages.
Kinetics has long been for me
an occasion to have a simply marvelous time! It’s like Halloween in May (that’s
when the Boulder Kinetics happens). If people had any idea what they could get away with once
in a costume, they would wear costumes every day of the week! What a crazy
world that would be. I have been to every single Boulder Kinetics; next year,
1999, will be the 20th Kinetics. The first few years, I was a
spectator, then I became a competitor and earned my very own Kineticist T-shirt
(and very little else). After that, I became infused with the
presence of the mighty Wizard which overtakes me every May for a week or
so. Following each Kinetics, I am afflicted with PKSD (That’s Post-Kinetic
Stress Disorder) which takes a few weeks of recovery. Perhaps I never
completely recover, now that I think about it.
So that’s more about The Great
Kinetic Wizard than you ever wanted to know. Those of you who would like to
know yet even MORE can find the July 1996 issue of Life Magazine which contains
a massive 2-page tell-all story about me. If you are ever at the Boulder
Kinetics, I’m sure you’ll see me so don’t hesitate to come over and say Hi; I
promise not to vaporize you or turn you into a Gollum. Happy Kineticing to you
all!
April
Twenty Ninth Two Thousand
The
World Wide Wizard…..